A Love Story

I cried on the day I knew she was not going to be mine.


After the initial shock wore off, I naively thought that I could get over this unscathed. I told myself that I was strong enough to stand it, but once again, she proved me wrong as you always did.


The first time I saw her, she was with her group of girlfriends. She was not the prettiest, she was not the hottest, but she was the one I noticed. One of my friends ever equated love on the first sight to the thunderbolt. Once you were struck by it, the effect would be lasting in you. Astounded by her beauty, perplexed by her charm, I found myself inferior, that's why I never approached her until that fateful day.


Tossed and turned on the bed, I could only ruminate over one thing. What love was? Was love as banal as the passionate lovemaking in those soap operas or was love as noble as the deed you would only see in the Bible? I couldn't come out with an answer.


Now facing the imminent death of mine, I realized how silly a man in love could be. All those sleepless nights, in retrospect, were so rich in emotions. The sensation of having emotions welled inside you, was still indescribable. As if the flow of blood just went into opposite ways, emotions choked me and my limbs were strangled by some invisible mantles. They were so strong and overwhelming, then before I even fought the losing battle with the emotions, tears were welling in my eyes and blurring my vision.


Being insomniac didn't make me a smarter man. i still couldn't grasp the essence of love and so I acter like a fool. Fool, contrary to conventional wisdom, was not always bad. Only by being a fool, I managed to muster all the courage I had and at last, to my delight, I finally got to know her. And that's how she proved me wrong for the first time.


In one of the sleepless night, I tried to picture her. I created an imaginary her and like a tireless puppeteer, I played her story. As ludicrous as it sounded, I even gave her a second life. In her second life, she was quiet and melancholic. She came from a broken family and she fought hard to come to the state of life she had today. Again, while I looked back to all this, i could feel blood gushing through my ears and my face was burning. How could I defile her in such an obscene way?


She, in fact, was cheerful, talkative and strong. No longer a frail girl in her second life I granted to her, she impressed me even more. The more I listened to her captivating voice, the more i surrendered myself into the endless illusions I created now and then.


That's when I thought those tormenting sleepless nights had finally departed from my life.


Again, she proved me wrong. The day I found out she had a lover, I was totally broken apart by this harsh sobriety test. Never once in my fantasy that I had surmised that she might have a lover. Maybe that's why i called it fantasy. Fantasy was supposed to be something you couldn't achieve in your real life. Now, though I was wiser, certain parts of this story were still inexplicable. Why could i be so wishful back then? After so many painful years, amazingly, I hadn't learnt any thing. Optimism, which was normally helpful, was a coup de grace to me.


After I found out about her lover, I suddenly found myself at the crossroad of my life. I could either wait for her, god knows how long should I wait, or, god forbid, I could forget her totally and pursued for what I deserved. Two choices, I must choose one of them, the right one or the one I want. And, I chose for the one I want, not the right one.


That's when all the tragedies and beautiful things started happening simultaneously in my life. I became her friend and i bought my time. My friend who knew about this girl advised me that I should go aggressive to wrestle her from her lover. I refused to do that. Until today, i still couldn't tell whether it was a right decision. Only thing i knew back then was, if she were to leave her lover for me, she might as well leave me for other guy. Perhaps I was wrong, but one thing for sure, I was adamant to my decision, I never wavered.


Hence, the only thing I was able to do was, wait.


I waited faithfully. Waiting, turned out to be not as easy as i first thought. Whenever she mentioned about her lover, I felt my heart twitched in agony. His name didn't make me jealous. But the his name intimidated me. 'You are a coward' taunted my friends. I wasn't angry because deep down inside me, I knew they were right. i was afraid to lose her, I was afraid of holding her, i was afraid to erase my pasts...


Miracles only happened in the Bible, claimed my best friend. Just when I was about to succumb to the fact that miracles were rare, if not unheard of, she told me she had broken off with her lover. Even before the euphoria which was supposed to make me insane registered in my mind, I reflexively held her tightly in my arms. Impulsive? I only knew I couldn't care less of other people's curious gaze. It's such a magical moment. While I let my reflexive reactions dictate my every move, I hardly noticed that she was expressionless.


"Can I ask you something?" asked her softly in my arms.
"Why are you doing this?" She didn't even let me answer her first question.


x


I still cried whenever this question was reverberating in my ears. The sheer brilliance and simplicity of this question still astonished me because i still didn't have an answer for that. Why all the tears? Why all the passionate hugging?


I was still speechless, just like the day I first heard this question. i could have answered her in thousands better ways. However, I was tongue-tied. She stared at me, waiting anxiously for my answer. My mind was shrieking at its highest pitch, my body was burning at its highest temperature. But, my tongue was glued.


To say, "I love you", on a spur of moment, I realized was not about promise. it's not even about commitment. I perhaps had practiced for that moment thousands times in my dreams. Reality, eventually, was still different. I could deceive myself and her. I could have just patronized her and got what I always desired. But, the waiting had changed me.


I might still hold her in my arms impulsively. However, the thrill of holding you had long deserted me. And I realized, it's the real love. Real love was not tantamount to a crush or infatuation.


What i discovered was, I was still stuck at the infatuation state of 'love'. There's no real love because real love didn't take so long to register. Real love never came late. Real love never came after impulsion.


Staring straight into her eyes, I felt the world had suddenly become hollow. I didn't know what to say and I didn't know where I was. So, i just turned to my back and started running. I ran, I cried with her image hanging in my mind before I was lost, for good.


A part of me was gone, with the love.



p/s: A simple story is the hardest to write. Finally I understand what do they mean. This story is so soapy, so normal, so mushy, but it's ultimately tough to write.